LAST NIGHT ONLINE... i wrote this a couple days ago.. end of may.. which is usually a good month for me. anyways i broke up with my girlfriend and my left ear has been popped for like... two weeks now? ugh i was just so so so emo so u can just read this if u want
I broke up with my girlfriend today. i spent the entire morning dreading it, the entire afternoon thinking about it, until around 4 pm i called her. as soon as it began it was pretty much over. i was pretty business about the whole deal. my hands clasped in my lap, saying we can just play our future by ear. i went out a couple hours later. my friends and i meandering through the highway and side streets trying to throw a traffic cone into the trees. a task in which were remarkably successful. my demeanor felt glazed over. slight upper back pain, the cool wind making my damp pool water hair stick to the back of my neck. my cheeks were cold. i took off my glasses so i could only see the rough shapes of the images before me. i was engaged in conversation but i mostly just responded in single syllables. words felt like cotton in my mouth. we walked all the way to a park about a mile and change from where we started, trying to hop a fence that wasnt even locked. i was on the swings and at this point i had frank zappa playing from my phone— the sort of nonsense sent me further away. i was no longer drunk as i was about 2 hours out from my last drink but the perverse nostalgia of whatever joes garage song was playing mixed with my own neuroses had me feeling like i was. i got pretty high on the swing— high enough that i could see the green of the streetlight through a plastic panel in the playground. it illuminated the whole panel a stark alien green. every single time i would reach the apex of my swing i would jerk my head to look at it flash before my eyes. i dont really understand what i was getting at. i dont really understand much of anything. i thought of my girlfriend. im like a stubborn lapdog fussing about digging his heels into the sidewalk. i feel like i can tug and tug away and never really get to the core of anything. i remembered when i was a kid and i would dig deep holes in the sand at the beach. i would bring metal shovels and dump buckets and buckets of water just to watch it sink through. i wanted my own beach. i wanted my water to stick around. i wanted to get to the bottom. The song im listening to im pretty sure is about dudes with a panty fetish. i thought about the last time that i cried in front of her. i thought about how succinct and to the point i was this afternoon. how cold. i thought about my socks in my shoes and the light went out and the panel went back to grey. i thought i musnt be very good company to the people im with. probably walking around mouth agape just mhming my way through conversation. we walked back. i talked about the truman show but ive never seen the movie. my body was exhausted. i thought about what it would be like to lay down on the grass and just go to sleep. my hair smells like chemicals and i spent the whole time heel toe walking breathing through my mouth. i spent awhile picturing how to describe all of this to you. thats what i spend most of my time thinking about. just appearances. how do i explain myself? how do i get others to know why i am the way i am. how will they ever know me if i cant have a carnal and unwavering knowledge of my psyche. i need to understand the ins and outs and the shape of every fold of my brain and i need to come up with good prose with tight symbolism and some thoughtful extended metaphor. i thought about how she posted she had a good night last night. i can sardonically wax on about how im right and im just but inside theres a thick layer of amber coating my mosquito heart and a dense fog in my brain. the astigmatism in my left eye makes the lights on the houses and the cars whizzing by all big and bubbly. i listened to zappa the whole way home. talking about fucking valley girls. i drove too slow. i feel like a shark. i can go out and i can do things and i can listen to zappa in the park but the second i stop im just dead in the water. i can have so much momentum hit and hit a brick wall. i feel like i have to carefully coax myself into doing anything, that im super affected by gravity and im constantly scooping myself off the pavement. i felt good thinking and walking and rubbing my fingers. dancing down the street with my phone in my hand. i want to hold on to that forever. im trying really hard to be good with ambiguity. to get comfortable within rough descriptions and approximations. the inside of my house is yellow from the light on the ceiling. im going to drift off to sleep soon. my lips are chapped. i wonder what shes doing. i wonder what im doing too.